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Overcoming ‘What If’ Questions: Finding Hope After My Son’s Suicide

Picture of By Lisa Johnson

By Lisa Johnson

Founder & Manager Director

I lost my son Connor to suicide. He was 25 years old.  Losing him and grieving his loss has been the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced in my 60 plus years on this earth.  Losing a child is one of, if not THE biggest tragedies a person can face.  Losing a child to suicide can make that tragedy and the journey towards healing even more complex.  It brings a unique set of emotional and psychological struggles. Among these, the “What if” and “Should have” questions can be particularly tormenting. These questions come up as we search for understanding and desire to rewrite the past. Here are some compassionate strategies that I have learned over the years to help me navigate through these painful reflections.

Understanding the Nature of “What If” and “Should Have” Questions

  1. Normalcy of These Questions:  You aren’t alone in asking these questions.  Our journey and the things we are thinking and asking ourselves are completely normal. It’s crucial to recognize that these questions are a natural part of the grieving process. They stem from a place of love, guilt, and confusion as you try to make sense of an incomprehensible loss.

     

  2. Self-Compassion: Often, these questions are intertwined with feelings of guilt and self-blame. One of my therapists gave me some insight that has always stuck with me and helped me be compassionate to myself along this difficult journey.   “Acknowledging that I did the best I could with the information and resources available at the time” was a crucial insight for me and my healing.

Strategies for Coping

  1. Accepting Uncertainty and Acknowledging Limits
    I had to accept that I didn’t know everything about Connor’s internal struggles. Mental health issues can be deeply hidden and complex. I had to release my need for answers, understanding that some questions may never be answered and finding peace involves accepting this uncertainty.

  1. Shifting Focus
    Focus on the positive memories.  I learned to spend more time remembering the good experiences I had with Connor and the love we shared instead of focusing on his death. Remembering the good times helped me shift my perspective from regret to gratitude.

  1. Externalizing Thoughts
    Journaling or writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process them. It allows you to see patterns and understand your emotions more deeply. I journaled frequently and I also wrote Connor letters that helped me to process my thoughts and emotions.  Finding creative ways to express your feelings, whether it be through art, music, crafting, etc. can also be a powerful way to release and transform your pain.  While at a retreat for grieving moms, I was able to write a poem about my feelings at the time.  It was very helpful in processing my pain. (I’ve included it below.)

  1. Seeking Support
    Professional help with a therapist or counselor specialized in grief and trauma can offer invaluable support and tools for coping.  A certified Grief Coach can also be beneficial.  Support Groups that offer connection with others who have experienced similar losses can provide comfort and understanding. Shared experiences can validate your feelings and reduce isolation.

     

    I have personal experiences with both professional help and support groups, and all were vital to my healing journey.  I now have lifelong friends from my support group.  We continue to support each other through our grief but also experience the joy that comes from friends with shared experiences.

    No matter where you are on your healing journey, remember that there are many ways to find professional help and support groups. We have several options listed on our resource page to assist you.

  1. Prayer and Meditation.
    Engaging in prayer and/or meditation can create a sense of surrender and trust, helping to alleviate the burden of stress by entrusting concerns to God or a higher power. It can be a powerful outlet for expressing your emotions, leading to emotional release and regulation. Meditation can calm the mind and bring a sense of peace. Even a few minutes a day can make a significant difference.

    I will admit that prayer was very difficult for me in the beginning. I learned to be honest with my feelings and more accepting of where I was in the moment.  God spoke to me in these intimate spaces and I’m forever grateful.

Honor Connor

Turning Pain into Purpose

  1. Advocacy and Awareness

    Engage in activities that promote mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Turning your pain into a purpose can be profoundly healing.

    Within the first year of losing Connor, my daughter Emily and I had an opportunity with a local nonprofit called Shatterproof.  We repelled down a tall building in Hartford, CT to raise awareness for Substance Abuse which was something Connor struggled with in his life.  We made posters with Connor’s name and picture for family members to use as encouragement for us as we faced the fear of repelling.  It was very rewarding for us to do something positive in his memory. 

    As you get further down the road in your grief journey, the opportunity to help others who are struggling can provide a sense of meaning and connection.

  1. Personal Growth

    It’s impossible to consider personal growth as something to be gained immediately after the loss of someone you love to suicide.  It takes time so be gentle with yourself.  However, after some time and with the right support, you may find that using this painful experience as an opportunity for personal growth is beneficial. Perhaps you can seek to understand more about mental health, resilience and compassion.  One thing we can all do is honor our loved one’s memory by living a life filled with love and kindness. We can create a legacy that reflects the positive aspects of their life.

    Our family started the nonprofit Honor Connor in 2021 to create a legacy in Connor’s memory and to help support those that are struggling with suicide loss.  Join one of our Hold Onto Hope mental health education programs to learn more about how you can break down the stigma associated with suicide loss and support yourself and others. Our Hold Onto Hope webinar is a free educational resource available the first Thursday of each month. All are welcome to attend.

Final Thoughts

The journey of grieving a loved one lost to suicide is deeply personal and uniquely challenging. The “What if” and “Should have” questions can be overwhelming, but with time, self-compassion and support, you can find a way to live with them and eventually find hope.  This journey demands your intention.  It’s important to seek help and to take your time in this healing process. Your loved one’s memory can become a source of strength and love.  You are not alone. There is hope as you navigate this journey from the darkest moments towards a place of understanding and acceptance.

Waiting for Connor

By Lisa Johnson

I waited with great anticipation for you
And then waited for the day you arrived
I waited as you learned to call me Mom
And waited and watched as you thrived.

I waited for you on the first day of school
I waited thru homework, projects and  tests
I waited through soccer, skating and baseball
I waited for you and your friends

I waited for you to have your first kiss
I waited for you to date
I waited for you to drive a car
I waited to watch you graduate

I waited while you found your passion
I waited and watched you serve
I waited to see you in action
I waited with patience and love

I waited for you when you stayed out late
I waited, prayed and worried
I waited through years of anxiety, depression and substance abuse
I waited and cried and got angry

I waited through biopsies, PET scans and surgeries
I waited in hospitals, clinics, waiting rooms and living rooms
But the hardest thing Connor – I will ever do
Is waiting this time…. to see you.

Dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide is complicated. We’re here help start the conversation & stop the stigma.  

We offer FREE mental health education for community groups, faith based groups, schools, and businesses who want to educate on suicide loss.

Monthly Webinars offered every first Thursday

Register For Free

For Immediate Help:

Crisis Text Line

Text TALK to 
741741 
to connect with a Crisis Counselor.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 988

Press 1 for Veterans

The Trevor Project LGBT Lifeline

866-4-U-TREVOR
(866-488-7386)

Warmlines

Peer & family mental health support by phone, weekdays M-F 9 am – 5 pm

Additional Resources

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

Mental Health America: www.mhanational.org

And so much more on the Honor Connor Resource Page

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